Infant Loss Awareness: Our Story NOT A SCHOOL POST

If you have ever been pregnant or have been close to someone who has been pregnant, you can imagine how excited I was to see my little one at my 12-week ultrasound. That morning I had told my husband Rob to stay at work since he was swamped. I assured him we would have plenty more ultrasounds to share together.  As I drove to Doctor Manus’ office, I smiled to myself, remembering all the Google research I had done the night before to help me secretly determine if this little baby was a boy or girl since Rob wanted to be surprised.  And I was certain my new found radiology skills would prove me right... that we were having a baby boy.  I dreamed about how our little boy would be the fifth of his name and how fitting that would be since the due date was August 1st, the same as Rob’s birthday.  Of course I knew he was going to have Rob’s thick dark hair, deep brown eyes, and mostly likely his strong will. 

My thoughts wandered to the day we told Ashley, our 4 year old daughter that we were having a baby. We had given her a bright red t-shirt that said #coolest big sister. She responded, “wait what?” She was SO excited to take on this new role!  We told her before we told our parents and she was sworn to secrecy.  If you have ever asked a 4 year old to keep a secret, you know how challenging and comical it can be.  She would bite her lips anytime we were around anyone and would not say a word!  She was ready to burst.

Because Ashley did such a great job at keeping the secret, we decided she should be the one to tell our families. What better time to share this news, than at Christmas.  On the way to Aunt Basha’s house we prepped Ashley, giving specific instructions to walk in, say Hi, take her coat off, settle in, THEN share the news.  Ashley barley had her foot in the door, before she said, “Mom has a baby in her tummy!” 

For the next few weeks excitement was everywhere.  I busted out my maternity clothes, even though I didn’t need them yet.  I would push my belly out and catch my reflection any chance I got.  While on Christmas break I would use any spare moment I had to browse Pinterest for nursery decor, coming home outfits, photography ideas, and birth announcements.  Our baby was all I thought of.  I had a severe case of baby brain.  I was in love and had been for 12 weeks. 

As I pulled in to Dr. Manus’ office my excitement grew at the thought of seeing baby Wanke for the second time. 

As soon as the images appeared I eargerly looked at the ultrasound screen hoping to see anything that would let me know to plan for pink or blue.  One moment I was looking at the screen, hearing the sound of a heart beating and the next moment the technician said she needed to go get the Dr.  My heart sank!  I immediately asked her what was wrong. She only responded with I need to get the Dr.  I fumbled for my phone.  I struggled to get my fingers to text Rob, something is wrong.  The rest is a blur.  I don’t know how he got there so quickly, but with Rob by my side, Dr. Manus explained that the ultrasound revealed multiple abnormalities signaling a possible chromosomal defect.  The Dr. ordered blood work to confirm a diagnosis. Then, the waiting began.  I cried more than I ever cried before. 

I cried…. And I cried…. And I googled...and I googled… and I googled some more than I ever should. Don’t do that!

Then the call came.  I was in my class at school. I asked the teacher next door to cover while I returned the call.  I ran to a private office.  On the phone, Dr. Manus explained that our baby had Trisomy 18, the infant most likely wouldn’t survive the second trimester and…. he’s a boy. 

Over the next several weeks we struggled to understand what was happening to us. We knew we would either miscarry, carry him to term -- either dead or alive --, or end the pregnancy. I wanted to end the pregnancy. If the pregnancy was over, this would be done. The baby would be gone and we could move on. We could get pregnant and have another baby.

I cringe to tell you that I made an appointment in Chicago, to have the abortion and I made arrangements with insurance. Every time I had to say “abortion” out loud, I was horrified. Other than these conversations, Rob and I hadn’t told anyone of our decision -- we were too embarrassed, too ashamed. As the appointment drew nearer,I was heavy with our decision and I would start to cry at any given moment. I had decided to end the life of my son.  The son that I loved.

At one of my lowest moments, my friend April, leader of our Bible study, called to check in. I don’t recall the details of our conversation, I just remember hearing her say “trust and surrender to God” over and over. As I think back to this conversation now, she had NO idea what we were thinking of doing.  I know now that this was 100% God leading us. At the time though, all I wanted to do was ignore what she was telling me. I had my mind made up.

At my next appointment with Dr. Manus, I shared my decision to end the pregnancy.  I asked him to tell me what would happen. I wanted to hear it from my Dr. if I went to Google I didn’t know what information I could trust. Google had scared me too much.

He told me.

The moment he told me, something inside me said,”no.” My whole body was screaming, “no.” And I started sobbing. I told him I didn’t know what to do. Dr. Manus’ said, “That’s God talking to you, Laura. Just listen. Let God handle it.” I flashed back to everything April had said about surrendering and trusting God’s plan for my life. And now here is my Dr. telling me to trust God.  I knew God was talking to me. 

I went to my car. Sat there for a moment and said while looking up, Ok God I hear you!   I called Rob and told him I couldn’t go through with the abortion. We had to have this baby. He took a deep sigh and said, “Thank God.”

Dr. Manus referred us to a service that could support us through out decision to give birth to our little boy.   Because we surrendered, because we trusted Him, God was faithful.  He did not leave us. He provided for us and gave us The Haven. 

When I first contacted The Haven I was introduced to Stephanie.  Stephanie wanted to meet with me, but being a mother, teacher, and wife my plate was full and I couldn’t find time to drive to Rockford.   Perhaps I wanted to delay the meeting because it was just one more reminder of our situation.  Either way, Stephanie offered to come to my work and meet with me over my lunch break.  She had such a calming presence about her. She shared her story of loss and just listened to me.  She gave me SO much information about all the services that The Haven could provide for us.  Most of all she assured me that everything would be on our terms.  The Haven could support us as much or as little as we wanted. 

At about 26 weeks into our pregnancy Rob was struggling with what to name our little boy. As the fourth Robel Frederick Wanke, he felt obligated to name his son Robel Federick Wanke, the 5th. One night as we laid in bed we were discussing names and agreed that we needed a strong name. A name with a purpose. I suggested “Matthew” which means “a gift from God.” And Rob, peacefully agreed, “I like that.”

At 33 weeks we found out that our son had passed.  I gave birth to him on June 15, 2016. The Haven was there supporting us every step of the way. Because of The Haven, we have the most beautiful pictures of our son and a very special memory box. 

When I look at our beautiful journey, I am reminded of Phillipians 4:19, “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of His glory in Jesus Christ.”   God was with us through it all. He surrounded us with people who spoke His truth. He provided an organization that supported and guided us.  He gave us strength to do what we thought was impossible, continue with a terminal pregnancy and delivering our son.  That very thing that I thought I couldn’t do, God used to strengthen us and give us peace. He removed the burden of making any decisions, the moment we choose to surrender.  He strengthened our Faith, our friendships, and our marriage. He even sent us Mathew’s name.

Matthew’s presence in our lives is truly a “gift from God.” We continue to learn, grow and experience God’s grace from having Matthew in our lives.

I am not here with a story that has a beautiful picture perfect ending. We lost our son three years ago and we are stronger and better because of The Haven. From this place of strength, we are trying to have a third child and while another baby is definitely in our plans, we don’t know if a bigger family is God’s will. Once again, we find ourselves in a place of trust and surrender. And we know that we’ll get through it.